Am I Still Fat?
by Hop Scotch And Bananas
Summary: Sam and John have never gotten along, but Sam never knew his dad was embarrassed to have him in public. He was overweight, and now the constant talk about not being good enough is leading Sam to eating problems.
1. Chapter 1

It was training day. One of the worst, or at least Sam thinks so. His dad expects him to be able to do whatever Dean does, and it doesn't at work that way. Sam is a whole four years younger than Dean, but John doesn't seem to see that. He can't accept that his two sons aren't going to be the same person. He won't have two perfect soldiers.

" Come on Sam! Pick up the pace or else we'll be here all night!" John kept yelling to him. Or maybe at him. Dean was already a lap and a half ahead of him on the very large field that was part of an old abandoned property. The grass was tall, thick, and stringy, making him get his shoes get caught after every two strides. Dean has longer legs and four years on him. No wonder he's ahead.

Sam was trying, he really was. John could never see it or appreciate it. He only gave Dean the slap on the back, or the occasional "good job". Even if it _was _just a grunt, it meant something. San never gets that though. He only gets the " You need to try harder", " look at you, you're pathetic", or he'll start comparing himto Dean. I am **not **Dean. Dean's the soldier, and I want to feel bad for him. But I can't when he sides with my dad. Now that I'm not seven, he agrees that I should have more endurance and more muscles.

That not always how it works.

John on the sideline was getting more and more impatient. He looked at the watch he always kept on his wrist. It read 11:14. They had to be up and at em at 4 maybe even 3. He decided enough was enough, watching Sam struggle to even do half the things that Dean did was hard to watch. The kid didn't even try. He didn't want to get better, he didn't want to hunt, he didn't seem to want to do any of the things him and Dean did. If it wasn't for Sam's stubbornness and striking resemblance to Mary, he'd think Sam and his real son were switched at birth.

" Alright boys! Enough for tonight time to head back to the hotel!" John said while using his hands for a make shift megaphone. Sam, completely out of breath jogged the rest of the way to the impala and got in without a word. He looked out the window directed at his brother and father. John smiled at his oldest and clapped him on the back while walking towards the impala. Dean looked happy as usual when getting his father's approval.

He didn't realize that to Sam, that was degrading. It was a constant reminder to his family that he wasn't good enough for their love and affection.

The whole ride to the motel was in silence except for the small hum of AC/DC playing on the radio. Sam kept mentally punching himself in the face for not being good enough. For not getting the training right or for being fit enough. He was only 13 though. He's not training to be a navy seal. He is just a kid. He knows not one other kid that has to do the exact same thing he does everyday. All he wanted was to be normal and have a life. What they're doing isn't living. He'd rather be dead that hunt.

When they pulling in his father didn't get out, so neither did we.

" Dean, please give me a minute alone with your brother," John said, keeping his voice moderately calm.

" Yes sir," Dean said immediately without doubt. He trusted their father, a little too much in Sam's opinion.

John waited until Dean entered the motel room before he started talking.

" I'm very disappointed in you Samuel." John said flatly. This scared Sam. His dad's usual character would be yelling. This was a whole new level a disappointment.

" You are no where as strong Dean was at your age. Plus just look at you. There is no way you resemble your brother in physique. You are overweight and just plain fat. I never imagined having a son as lazy and uncommitted as you are. You are a disgrace Samuel! You need to try harder, because just having you around me in public makes me embarrassed. You can go ahead and sleep on the floor tonight next to Dean's bed. He deserves the whole thing tonight." With that John got out and left Sam to sulk.

He let a tear slip while he leaned back against the cold leather seat. His dad is embarrassed to have him around? But I'm his son. This changed his whole outlook on life around him. Did people look at him and think that he was gross? That he shouldn't be eating so much? Sam slowly got out of the car and into the motel. The bathroom was open and he walked straight for it. There was mud and grass all over his legs and pants, in great need for a cleaning.

He sighed, knowing the soonest he could eat new shoes was for his birthday in 2 weeks. They never did much for his birthday. As John would say, just one more year you are behind.

Sam took off his shirt, then pants. He looked at the chub on his stomach. It was true he was probably overweight. There was a scale leaned against the wall near the white toilet. He layed it down on the tile floor and stepped on. He knew from health class that the average 14 year old weighs about 115 lbs. But when he saw the numbers, he wanted to cry. No wonder his father a ashamed of him, probably Dean too. He read 137.4. He started to cry even more. Sam looked into the mirror. People probably looked at him, seeing the large shirts and fat. They think he is a pig. He doesn't even deserve to eat. He doesn't need to. He shouldn't be able to.

Sam stepped into the shower, leaving extra warm water than he probably needed to. He got dressed right in the bathroom. He couldn't let his brother or father see him like this. He is overweight and disgusting. A nasty pig no one wants to be around. He took the blanket his father left for him on the floor and laid down.

The floor was very uncomfortable, and it hurt his back. But he deserved this for being an awful son. He fell asleep rather quickly, not wanting to be awake any longer. No one is mad at you, or being mean when you are sleep. That's if you have no dreams. He did tonight. His father as big as a building. Almost like a god Sam wasn't worthy enough to follow. He knew all, and was right about everything. Sam was the tiny ant, unworthy of suck glory his father was proposing. He deserved to get his home crushed. His father's huge foot lifted and stomped on him with hatred. Sam woke up to his father telling his to get his lazy ass up.

Sam was always rather easy to get up, just not like a spring. That needed to change. Sam bolted up and went to find his clothes. He settled for a large sweatshirt and some jeans that were a little too big. He felt so ashamde that he didn't fit in the clothes Dean did at his age. He's too fat.

Sam was ready to leave within 2 minutes. He sat at the small table in the corner of the room. The clock read 3:29. Although he was exhausted, he couldn't let John know that. It's only be one more thing he'd get yelled at for. Instead he decided to start reading his book that he actually found quite interesting. It didn't take long for the two oldest to get done and head out for the impala without even telling Sam. He had to get up himself after hearing the door shut. Sam's heart cracked a little more in his chest.

He got in and kept reading. After driving for several hours, he realized that when he read, he didn't feel as hungry. It distracted him. They drove through breakfast, going over all the hills. Now though, Sam has to admit, he was getting hungry. But whenever he even though about food, he'd pinch the inner part of his thigh. It was a punishment for himself. He didn't _need _food. Food is only used for surviving, not for enjoyment. He didn't need good food to live.

So when they sat down in the booth at the nearest diner he looked at the menu searching for something with the least amount of calories. It didn't help that the place is call Big Berney's Burgers, and they only sold burgers. He settled for a burger with extra lettuce, tomato's, onions, and a water. His father and brother got two cheeseburgers a piece with a side of fries and onion rings. Yeah, cuz Sam ate a lot. But how aren't they fat too? Sam had to think several minutes before he realized. They run more and exercised more. He needed to do the same. Eat less and exercise more. But he couldn't stand the thought of people seeing him like this for anytime longer. He needed to exercise _way _more, and eat _way _less. He had to.

He is fat and gross. In need of a great change.

When they got their food, Sam picked at the greasy burger. It almost made him sick to his stomach. It was nasty. But he had to eat some of it or else him brother especially will figure out what he's doing.

Sam ate the lettuce and tomato, then drained water. He just sat their for the rest of the time, trying to think about anything else.

" Sammy, are you okay? You aren't eating your food," Dean pointed out.

" Yeah, just not in the mood for burgers." Sam said.

" That's a surprise, you love burgers" Dean pokes in on the stomach. Teasing him because of his fat. This made Sam more determined to lose the weight and fast. He could take it from his dad, but his brother thought he was fat too? He could usually take the teasing, but something about this type is hitting home.

For the next two weeks he has been eating the bare minimum. On training days he ran until he couldn't anymore. But still, his dad didn't see him. He didn't see that this like Sam was only behind by half a lap when he used to be nearly two. He can't please his dad, and that is enough for him to keep going. It has been a busy week, really busy. Meaning they were constantly going to diners instead or getting something from a store and cooking it. One of the days there was a party with extra cake. For young Sam, it was hard to pass up, but he found the strength deep inside to resist. As the week went on, resisting against sweets became so much easier.

Today was his birthday. Usually they'd get a small cake, eat it and keep going. But today was different. Neither Dean nor John even said happy birthday. Dean would always tell him happy birthday. They must have forgotten. Sam was now 14 years old. He was becoming a man. They didn't realize it.

Sam sulked on the backseat, continuing to read another one of his books. One that he has already read about four times. He wanted to cry. They couldn't remember one date that meant something special to him. Just the time his mother died. Their whole lives were shaped to get vengeance. It wasn't right. Not one bit.

Sam looked up from the pages when the impala slowed down at a gas station. The old tar was covered in nasty black oil and god knows what else. The store color itself was fading. The old blue now a grimy, gray. It was honesty depressing.

" Here, get something to eat, both of you. We might not get dinner tonight. And put in 10 for gas" John said while handing Dean a twenty dollar bill. I was happy. One more meal I don't have to hide. I walked into the store looking at all the candy and junk food. It made me sick. People would eat this crap and let it ruin their insides.

" Shit, I have to piss. Here get me and dad some pizza and chips or something. Get whatever you want," Dean said while shoving the money in Sam's hands. He walked towards the glass case with pizza. It said 2 for 2. Which was a good deal considering it was normally 1.35 a piece. That seemed pretty crazy to me. I got two pieces, they two small bag of chips for each of them. I get them both a coke and me a vitamin water. I still wanted to get some calories so that I won't pass out if I had to exercise. But the thought of eating made me angry.

I walked up to the front cash register where an older lady with crazy white hair stood smiling. She had bright red lipstick and a motherly feel to her. She seemed nice. But I also saw a row of candy. I mean, it was my birthday, couldn't I just have some this one time? Don't I deserve it? My inner thoughts were fighting against each other. I wanted something from the candy rack, but I knew that if I ate it this once, i'd go back to my old habits. Despite the desire and growling stomach. Sam resisted and put the other food on the counter.

" Is this is it hun?" She said while smacking her gum.

Gum was actually a good thing to chew when you are hungry, stops you from eating. I picked up a 15 cent pack of gum and then smiled.

" Yeah, but I need to put in 10 for gas for my dad," I said pointing to the impala.

She nodded and cashed me out. I quickly walked back to the impala so Dean wouldn't see I got nothing for myself to actually eat. Dad was pumping the gas so he didn't see either. I quickly sat in the back and put a piece of my juicy fruit gum in my mouth after putting John's and Dean's food up front.

Sam hated how he was being so nice to them when they were the ones that forgot his birthday. Sam never forgot their special days. Life didn't seem fair sometimes. He wasn't planning on reminding them. They could learn by themselves. Dean came back in the car a minute later. There was no way he took that long to pee. I think a dump was in his past.

" Did you get something Sammy? Dean asked, already stuffing his face.

" Yeah," I lied.

He seemed to take it and keep eating. I was secretly hoping one of them was just pretending they forgot about my birthday and was just going to surprise me later. But I knew that wasn't true. It was stupid and selfish for me to assume so.

When I heard the impala start, I again started to read my book.


	2. 2

**I usually do an intro, but I totally spaced out earlier. There is a warning for swearing, thoughts of depression and stuff, mentions/actions of eating disorders, heavy stuff, and possible self harm. And thanks to everyone who decides to review! I don't care if this story is months or years old, a review is a review and I'll take it however I can get it.**

**Sam is 13 going on 14**

**Dean is 18**

**I don't own SPN.**

It didn't take long for the impala to stop moving again. This time at a shabby apartment building. It looked to be about 6 stories tall. The brick was faded to a brow and gray, the windows had worn curtains, and the ally beside it didn't look very safe. Pretty sketchy to me, that's probably why we have it, cheap.

" Each of you grab your duffel and find the door with the number 2 on it," John said while heading to what looked like the office.

" Can we even get into it without the key?" Dean asked.

" It should be unlocked," John called back and we all split ways. We had to climb two sets of stairs to get to our door. I opened it and looked inside. We walked into the living room. There was a pinkish couch, two recliner chairs, a rug, and a TV. The next room was the kitchen, on the left side of the living room. There was a stove, microwave, fridge, and a small table with three chairs. A hallway that connected both to the kitchen as well as the living room had four doors. Two on each side. The hall itself was pretty wide too. The first door on the left was a closet filled with cleaning supplies. The first door on the right was a bedroom, obviously the master. That meant that'd be dad's room. Second on the left was the bathroom. It was rather large. It had a nice shower, surprisingly clean. In fact, so far, everything has been clean. There is minimal peeling of wallpaper from the walls, the furniture is faded but clean, and the floors look swept. The last door on the right was obviously going to be our bedroom. There was already two beds with clean sheets, one bureau, one shelf, and a trash can. The beds were on each side of the rug floored room. The bureau was in between the beds, and shelf on the right side

"I call left and the bureau, you get right and the shelf," Dean said without letting Sam argue. That's usually how it went. Dean got to choose what he wanted and left Sam with whatever else there was. For today he was fine with it. There's just no point in fighting. He had little will to even try.

Sam went over to his new bed, one of many he has already had. It looked rather clean, okay to sleep on. Sam plopped on it, being utterly exhausted. Not eating enough was wearing him down. It has only been two weeks, but it was doing it's job. In fact, Sam hasn't even checked his weight for a while. He got up from the bed his body craved and to the bathroom. He was very pleased to find a scale in one of the corners. He stepped on and saw the numbers lay out in front of him. He wasn't sure weather or not it was a good thing he now weighed 128.6 lbs. Although he knew he wasn't really overweight, a nagging feeling in his gut told him he needed to lose more.

He looked at himself and wondered if Dean or is father have noticed. They had to have. He lost nearly 10 lbs in 2 weeks. Shouldn't they be proud of him? He needed to lose more. Just enough so that his dad will love him the way he loves Dean.

Sam laid in bed that night after pretty much avoiding any talk and social interaction, just thinking. All he could ever think about was all the calories that entered him system and if he was able to burn it off. He has found that he doesn't even get really hungry. Of coarse he does sometimes, but he's finding it easier to resist himself. And for that, he is proud of himself. Not eating candy, or cake, it makes him happy. Almost like he accomplished something for once in his life.

Sleeping was one of the best parts about being alive. He could get away from people and living for hours on end even if it felt like mere seconds. He finds it harder and harder to get up in the morning. But when he realizes that he needs to to get his father's approval, he finds the inner strength to get up.

This morning he was sitting on the couch, nearly spacing out when Dean came into the living room with a packet from the school he will be attending.

Dean started to fill out the forms, speaking out loud to himself.

" Height 5'7, weight 140, town of residence Derry, age 13-"

"14," Sam corrected. Dean looked up and knitted his brow.

" What? You're 13." Dean said, confused.

" Yesterday was my birthday you moron." Sam rolled his eyes.

Dean's face went paler than Sam could ever think possible. The guilt and shame that came across Dean's face in an instant was past anything Sam had ever seen. He had hoped that Dean would be guilty, but no where to this level.

" Oh my god Sam, I totally spaced out! I'm so sorry," Dean said, almost wanting to cry. He was so ashamed of himself.

" Dean its fine," Sam said not even meaning it.

" No it's not Sam, We forgot your special day," Dean got up from his seat.

" Where are you going?"

" I'm going to call dad and arrange a day out or something," Sam's face went cold. He couldn't let Dean do that. His father would think he was a baby.

" No Dean please, it's fine. I even got candy for myself from the store. Trust me it's totally fine." Sam said surprisingly convincingly.

Dean stopped in his tracks," Are you sure?" He asked one final time.

" Yes Dean. I promise," Sam smiled and started to think again about the calories.

**I know its short, but I'm tired...**


	3. Notice Me

**I haven't updated this story in a while so details are a little scratchy. I just reread it and wow that kinda sucked... I'll try to do better this time. And if I don't post another chapter within a few days to a week feel free to yell at me in the comments. I may forget or whatever, but if you review I always get a notification and may respond within a day with another chapter. This story is coming from my feelings and stuff so let's see how it comes out.**

**_Guest: Thanks for liking my story so far!_**

**_Elliesamdeangirl: Thanks soooo much!_**

**_Shummr: I can relate to that. Thanks for reviewing!!_**

**_Jakiya.jackson03: Thank you!! Sorry this took so long!!_**

One part about being self conscious and depressed is that you want attention. You want it so bad that you are willing to do nearly anything. You can cut, starve yourself, nearly anything, but when it comes down to it, you feel stupid. You don't tell anyone because of the guilt. You feel stupid for wanting someone to feel sorry for you. You feel like an idiot, a baby unworthy of someone's pity. You feel as though you shouldn't let anyone know. Eventually this leads to more than wanting someone there. It comes to actually feeling what you have been thinking about all this time. The symptoms become real and you can't remember what it was like when you didn't care what people thought about you. You forgot what it was like to present a paper and not feel nauseas. For your legs to not feel like jelly every time you were called on in class. You forget what it was like to be happy. You don't even want to feel happy. This is the one thing you can _feel _the one thing no one can take. The Winchester's have never had a constant. And like Sam learned in Science class. There always has to be a constant. Weather you are doing an experiment or going through everyday life. Something has to be a controlled variable. And now in Sam's life, he thinks he found it. Sam doesn't pretend he doesn't see the glances Dean gives him. The concerned glances. Although somewhere in Sam, a voice is cheering. _Someone noticed me!_

The feeling of stupidity and anger prevents him for enjoying it. He deserves it. He really does. This is just what he had to do now. This is his normal.

It had almost been 3 weeks since he started this whole weight thing. Sam keeps exercising until he nearly collapses, then drinking gallons of water. Dean has definitely noticed. Their dad on the other hand, not so much. He had only been at the sketchy apartment 2 times since they arrived. Each time not lasting more than an hour or two.

Hiding it makes him feel ashamed. Sam knows what he's doing is wrong. What else is he supposed to do though? His father can't stand him, and why should he? Having a fat pathetic son like him. No wonder his dad never talks to him.

Sam casually walked into the bathroom and stepped on the scale. It read 124. Down like four pounds!!! Sam was exited. This was something he could do on his own and control. In a sick way he liked it. A sinking feeling made its way into his gut. _What happens when he finally gets to his goal weight? Will he be able to stop?_ This is so therapeutic he doesn't want to. He'll just have to face that when it comes time. Sam shrugged it off and walked back out to the living room. It was quiet. No school meant Sam had to just sit and read. Even the biggest nerd in the world got bored of reading. He walked into the kitchen. He was hungry. Really hungry infact. All he had eaten so far that day was an apple. It was about 3:20 pm. To get him mind off of food, Sam decided to take a walk. Walking was soothing especially when your mind is full. Dean and his father didn't like him to walk alone. Especially in a town like this one where there was about 4 different bars in the immediate vicinity with drunk off their asses men and their desperate sexual needs strolling out. Dean had joked and offered to buy him a rape whistle. Sam was good looking too. A kid like him in a town full of sex hungry people was dangerous. That never stopped him from walking around and stuff. He was a kid after all.

The next week went by fine. Sam pretended to eat whenever Dean was looking. He would spit it out in a napkin right after though. Whenever he did eat, he made sure he exercised enough to burn it off and 4 times that. It was exhausting, but it paid off in the long run. Sam was down to 116.5. Now his dad should love him. Right? He was skinny now, his dad should come home and hug him. Maybe tell him he wasn't a disgrace and that he had been drunk when he said it. It didn't happen though. Sam still had nothing. No love or anything. Instead he just slept all day ignoring life. He didn't wanna grow up. Just stay young an innocent forever. He knew when he started this that his innocence went out the window. Purposely saying no to pizza to cake to everything was ruining his childhood. He wasn't acting like himself which was obviously not going by Dean unnoticed. He ignored all attempts in conversation. Like right now.

Dean walked into their bedroom, sandwich in hand. Sam only slept now that they are here. The kid didn't seem to ever eat, always saying he wasn't hungry or maybe that he already ate. Dean knew that was crap. Sam was moody, always annoyed.

Dean sighed.

" Sam?"

Sam didn't move. He continued to breath steadily underneath the covers he was hiding in.

" Sam c'mon, lets eat something. I know you're awake so just get up," Dean said coming closer to the lump.

Sam sighed but didn't attempt to get up.

" Sam..." Dean kicked the bed, jostling the kid underneath.

" Go away, I'm not hungry!" Sam yelled.

" Bull crap! Get up before I pull you up!" Dean yelled at his younger sibling.

Dean didn't wait for an answer. He uncovered Sam, seeing the wonky hair and pissed off face. Nothing new.

" C'mon,"

" I said no Dean," Sam attempted to cover back up, failing when Dean threw his blanket on the ground. He didn't fail to see the shiver that ran through Sam's body.

" I said yes."

Dean was becoming more concerned than angry. His brother didn't want to eat? Was he sick or just being stubborn? It has been rough lately but this reaction was a whole new thing.

" Just eat it," Dean said walking out of the room. Sam stared at it. He knew better than to eat it. The calories and sugar would soak in his body creating more and more fat. The more fat he had the more his father would loath him. It did look good though. The ham was real thin, cheese nice and fresh. But no! He couldn't. Sam opened the window and threw the sandwich out the window and into the ally. Maybe some homeless man would eat it. Make good out of it.

He couldn't eat it. Even if he tried he wouldn't be able to. It was too easy to say no now. He liked it. It was hard to explain though. Sam's mind drifted to Dean. He hoped Dean would come in and see what he had done. He would come up to Sam and hold him like he used to. Tell him that he was perfect and that they were going to go swimming at the lake and have a grand time. That didn't happen though, that never happened. Sam waited about 7 minutes before returning the plate to the sink. He didn't fail to notice the glance he got from Dean either. The worried, angry look.

_Dean! Please say something, I need you!_

Dean never said anything and neither did Sam. Back to under the covers.

Sometime that week Sam awoke from a nap to hear Dean on the phone.

" I don't know dad, it's just like he is not eating. I don't know what to do."

" No dad, it's more than that. If you saw you'd understand." Dean yelled in a hushed tone.

" No no, I guess. Please just finish quick. Yeah I know dad. Yep, love you too." Dean sighed and walked back into the room. Sam closed his eyes again and pretended to still be asleep.

" Sammy. What should I do with you?"

**_Sorry it's short. I just can't get into it today. _**


	4. Help

**I've had little interest in writing lately which is odd for me. So in other words my writing is off and not that good. Hopefully this is a little better and more of my style.**

Light from behind the thin curtains made its way into the dull room. Sam's eyes cracked open, hoping he was alone in the room so he could just fall back asleep with little to no disturbance. Sam looked at his brother's bed, seeing it empty. He wouldn't have thought much about it except for the fact that Dean was never up his early even if it was like 7. The lack of will stopped the youngest Winchester from investigating. What is the point? Where will this get me? Another disappointed look? No thank you.

Sam covered his face with the blanket to try and get rid of the light that seemed to invade the room. It was annoying. Why couldn't it just be night forever?!! He wished it would. Sleeping was better than being awake and thinking about food. Some nights Sam found it hard to sleep because of the hunger pains that made his stomach twist and turn. Sometimes the only thing that got him through it is the view that his father will love him. Humans need love to live. It's a scientific fact, without other people you'd eventually go crazy. Sam just wanted someone to come up to him and ask how he felt. But no, only babies get asked that. Why should he want it? He is stupid for wanting someone to talk about it. He knows that much. The smell of food began to creep into the bedroom ever so slowly. Sam could recognize the strong smell of bacon and cheesy eggs. It was nauseating. Would Dean force him to eat it? Oh god he hoped not. He couldn't handle food anymore. His stomach has shrunk from it's previous size. He almost never got hungry, which helped the cause.

Getting out of bed, Sam picks up some large clothes and headed for the bathroom. Like every other time, he stepped on the scale. It now just a habit. He smiled when it read 109.7. Down again. Sam looked in the mirror. There were dark rings under his eyes. His cheeks were looking way more sunken in, jaw line becoming increasingly sharp. That's what he should have seen. Instead he could help but see the pungy kid with sausage fingers and stomach bursting from the buttons. This wouldn't be good enough.

He took off his clothes ignoring the sight of his disgraceful body. He couldn't help a glimpse though. He could see his ribs sticking out from under his skin. His hip bone was increasingly noticeable, and stomach becoming sunken in. He ignored the bones and kept getting undressed. It didn't matter.

He soaped up and quickly rinsed off. The hot water soaked his achy body. His cold feet started to sting from the heat of the water. That was a new thing. He was always cold it seemed. He stayed under the spray for a while, long enough to start and feel the water turn luke warm. With a sigh Sam started to get dressed. His clothes consisted of too big jeans, two t-shirts, and one flannel shirt. At least the extra shirts helped to hide his protruding ribs. Sam walked into the little kitchen to see Dean placing food on the table.

There were two plates filled with bacon, cheesy eggs, and apple slices. Sam could feel his stomach drop and immediately felt like throwing up. There would be nothing to throw up though.

" Come sit Sammy," Dean said while sitting in front of his own plate of food. Sam's face paled considerably, apparently not unnoticeable.

" You alright?"

" y-yeah." Sam said while slowly taking his seat.

" Y'know Dean, I'm not that-" Dean cut him off.

" Bull shit! Sam you say that all the time. I can tell you have lost weight, it's not healthy. I'm getting worried-"

" Well don't! I'm fine,"

" Sammy,-"

" No, you guys always tell me to grow up so I am!" Sam said putting his hands in the air.

" Sam! How do you think I feel?! Something is obviously wrong and you won't tell me about it. You used to always tell me what was wrong. Do you just not trust me anymore??" Dean asked with tears in his eyes. This broke Sam to the core. The sudden outburst wasn't expected, leaving Sam speechless.

" Dean, I never meant-"

" I know Sammy. But you did. You are scaring me. Are you sick or something?" Dean asked desperate for an answer. Any answer at all.

Sam was at a loss of words. What was he supposed to say? Hey Dean, I have decided to restrict my food intake because I want to lose weight so our father will love me like he loves you? No!

" No Dean I'm not sick, I'm just... Not in the mood to eat," which wasn't far off.

" You're never in the 'mood'."Dean mocked lightly.

Sam sighed and looked at the floor.

" What's going on Sammy?" Dean should have just asked the floor. Sam didn't answer. He didn't want to accidentally say something he'd regret.

" Sam please! What are you doing this to yourself? Is that what this is?!"

Dean's panic rised when Sam didn't defend himself right away.

" Oh my god you are aren't you?" Dean said quietly.

Sam sighed loudly.

" Sammy, why would you do that?"

" Because De." Sam said quietly. Finally after weeks admitting defeat.

" Because why Sam? Talk to me."

" You wouldn't understand!"

" Make me understand!!!" Dean screamed.

" Because dad doesn't look at you the way he does me. Like he wished I was someone else's kid and the real Sam was switched at birth. Or maybe like how he always tells me that I'm overweight and a disgrace to bring in public. Like I'm the one he wished died in the fire! So that maybe mom was still alive and that you guys had a perfect picket fence life!" Sam yelled nearly crying. He breathed heavy waiting for Dean's response.

" Sammy," Dean said in a very quiet voice.

" Don't Sammy me."

" Sam, he didn't mean that."

" Bull!! Why do you always defend him? What do you think he said to me in the car when you went into the hotel room a few weeks ago? He told me that I was a disgrace! That he was embarrassed to bring me in public because I was fat! And what did you do? You walked right in the room following his orders like the good little soldier you are! He doesn't love me! He never tells me he loves me. He never pats me on the back like he does to you!" Sam was crying now. He didn't fail to see the streaming tears on Dean's face either.

He was just so tired. He wanted to just die so he didn't have to put up with people, food, or life.

Sam didn't wait for Dean to respond. He ran to their bedroom and scrambled to get under the covers that would provide warmth and a place to hide from Dean, from the entire world. He cried, the weird ugly, hiccuping cry. He didn't stop until the pull of sleep caught him into a light slumber. Dean was left to sit at the table and cry while thoughts raced through his mind.

_Why would Sam really do this? Why would my dad have said such a thing? Did he really tell Sam he was overweight? Is Sam starving himself?_

Too many things in his mind. Dean looked at the two plates of food. He didn't have an appetite anymore, and Sam won this battle against food. Dean just didn't understand the kid. Eating was amazing, how does he not do it? Sam has never been overweight. He still had his baby chub sure, but that was normal. He was a normal weight. He had been. He had to of at least lost 25 lbs. if not more.

Dean took out the phone and immediately called their father. He let it ring, then go to voicemail. Of coarse, the sob never answered. He never put his sons first. It's more clear what kind of dad they have. A dead beat. He didn't care what truly happened as long as they were healthy enough to help him on a hunt. Or as Sam put it, a wild goose chase. Don't get him wrong, he loves his mother. Misses her every day, but he was only 4. He only has two memories of her. It was so long ago, they should just accept that she is gone. Their father never let them forget why they do what they do though. The chase for something big and everything in between.

Dean waited a few hours before trying to go check on Sam. The kid needed time to calm down. He briskly walked down the creaky hall and knocked on the door. Which he shouldn't have to since they were both sharing the room. But still, he though he might as well be polite.

He got no response. Dean knocked again.

" Sam?" Still no response.

Dean creased his brow and walked in. His eyes rapidly searched the room, quickly landing on the form in Sam's bed. He could see his little brother's face. It was pretty pale and a little more rough on the edges, but it looked like his baby brother none the less. Sam was wearing what looked like Dean's black hoodie, hood up and everything. Sam was covered in blankets despite the apartment already being pretty warm. Dean walked closer to Sam. He kneeled down to see his brother's face to tell if he was truly sleeping. The even, deep breathing and worry free demeanor confirmed the kids' slumber. Dean sighed. All Sam ever did was sleep. He was about to pull away, but the flutter of Sam's eyes caught his attention.

" Sammy," Dean whispered.

" Dean," Sam replied. Tears began to fall from Sam's eyes.

" I'm sorry," Sam shook his head trying to get everything right.

" It's okay Sammy," Dean soothed. He looked into the younger kids red rimmed eyes. He looked so young. The kid was growing up despite what Dean wanted. He was growing up always worried about fitting in and where his next meal will come from. If it was going to be stolen or paid for by hard work and tiring labor. His face was so smooth, reminding Dean of the first time he held Sammy. The little bundle of cuteness and innocence. His newly made eyes stared up at the older boy, ready to be lead on new adventures and life itself. He didn't know about murder or monsters. He didn't need to. He was all set with the sterdy arms of his big brother who spoke comforting jiberish to him. The smile and laughter was enough. If only it was still like that. Sam needed Dean like he did that very first day.

" Lay with me Dean. Please..." Sam looked like he might start to cry again.

" Yeah, yeah of coarse Sam," Dean said worriedly. He was tired himself. He was up all night like most wondering what was wrong with his little brother.

Sam scooted to the wall. He curled into a crunched fetal position. Dean wrapped his arms around his brother like he used to whenever Sam had a nightmare. Sam relaxed into the touch. The one he has wanted for such a long time but was too afraid to ask for.

Dean winced when he felt the obvious poke of a rib on Sam's side. Had Sam lost that much weight? Dean uncurled Sam despite his protests and lifted the several layers of clothing to see Sam's abdomen. Sam's ribs were poking far from his skin, stomach sunken in. The hip bones already visible from underneath the pants.

" Oh Sammy." Dean said pulling Sam's clothes back down. Avoiding Dean's gaze, Sam kept his eyes closed and resumed to curl on Dean's side. Dean didn't hesitate to rewrap his arms around his more bony brother.

TBC


	5. Um

**Ruby: Thank you sooo much! It really helps me to keep going with a story when people review!**

Sam woke up first. He kept laying in the warm bed full of blankets and big brother. Dean's face was at ease, tear tracks merely staining his skin. Sam didn't know what to say or do now that Dean knew his motives. The very thing that gave him control and sense of stability scared Dean. It scared him so much, and Sam was the only one at fault. Sam could feel the heat in his eyes and face rise as he resisted sobs. They burned his throat, wanting to come out.

Almost like a spider sense, Dean woke up facing his quietly sobbing brother.

" Sammy? You 'Kay?" Dean asked still trying to become fully awake. Naps have always made him more tired. Sam's chest was shaking, just trying to keep in sobs. Most likely to not make any noise.

" Yeah." Came a shaking, strained voice.

" Okay Sam." Dean agreed for no reason. He knew the kid wasn't okay. Tis' why he was cramped up in the very small twin sized bed with his brother. It was warm and cozy, welcoming and calming. He felt so calm.

They laid there for a while, not saying anything. Each were wondering what the other was thinking. What dark and twisted thoughts were peircing their brain.

" Wanna go to the diner and get a little something to eat?" Dean tried.

Sam's eyes grew wide with fear. He violently shook his head. He couldn't let people see him like this. Fat and nasty.

" Okay okay. Sam it's fine. Wanna get something here?" Dean tried again. He hoped Sam would eat. The kid was just too skinny. You shouldn't be able to feel or see ribs stick out nearly half an inch when slouched. He was on the verge of collapsing despite his desire to always exercise and presumably burn calories. It was so much more obvious now. Sam was always trying to lose weight. But Dean still didn't know why their father's comments got to Sam like that. He would just have to ask later.

Sam still shook his head no.

" Sammy, please. You need to eat." Dean said trying to not cry.

God, this made Sam feel like such a sucky brother. How could he make his brother cry? He was a coward and fat ugly worthless pig!

Sam sighed while closing his puffy eyes. He nodded and looked at Dean. He'd try for Dean. The lack of hunger was weird. He didn't feel hungry anymore. He felt like if he ate anything he'd explode. He just felt so fat everytime he even considered food. Like he didn't even deserve to eat.

" Okay Sammy, I'll be right back," Dean smiled while getting out of the comfort of the bed. Dean smiled all the way down the hallway. This is the first time Sam has actually agreed to eat. His smile diminished when a realization crept in. _Is he only going to eat because I asked? Because he feels bad for making me so sad? Is that the only reason?! _Dean had to mentally punch himself and stop thinking. Everything was becoming better. This step towards happiness was a step none the less. Even if Sam was only going to try and eat because of Dean, then so be it. At least he'd eat. That's all that mattered at this point.

Dean got to work. He got a dusty pot from under the sink and rinsed it in the sink. It was gross. The water smelled like rust, but it was all they had. He filled the pot with water and set the stove at high to try and get the water to boil as fast as possible. He sighed thinking what his life has come to. Crap apartments and sucky food. He really wanted pie, and if it were any other day he'd go out and buy some. But he couldn't help but not trust Sam. _Did Sam cut too? Did he throw up his food? Could he be suicidal?_

God how did he not see how bad off Sam had become? He noticed weird behavior and the baggy clothes, but all teenagers are like that. They all brood and become overly stubborn. That was normal. Just when it came to a point where he was truly concerned for the health of Sam, it was obviously more than hormones and attitude were at play. _How will their dad react?_

Dean didn't want to think about it. Not until he had to. When the water was mostly boiling, he pored in the macaroni. The water seemed to get angry and sizzle. The bubbles would burst and splat in his face. Dean squinted his face against it. The little droplets of water were burning his face.

All the water gave him the sudden urge to pee. He hadn't since he first woke up that morning when he was making breakfast. All of which right now is in the trash, untouched. It was only 11:03. They had slept for several hours. It was nice to sleep, there is no worry. Although Dean did wish it was more enjoyable. Like in a way that you know you're sleeping so you can really feel how long you have been unconscious. To really feel it instead of feeling like you slept for 5 minutes. Dean walked to the bathroom and could see that the tub was quite wet, most likely from Sam's shower. He himself needed a shower too. Dean frowned after smelling his own pits, more so disgusted with himself. I guess laying it that really warm bed made him sweat. It was sorta gross, but when weren't they doing something gross? Dean finished taking a leak and walked back to the kitchen. He kept an ear for any sniffles or signs of distress coming from their bedroom.

Swiftly walking to the stove, Dean stirred the noodles before they burnt to the bottom of the pan.

Getting out the strainer, he plopped it in the sink, moving the faucet to the side.

He shut off the stove and poured the macaroni in the strainer to drain the water. He put it back in after bouncing the strainer to help get water out.

Dean put in a little bit of milk and butter from the fridge, then dumped in the most likely fake cheese powder. It was sorta gross but it tasted so good.

Dean mixed it all together and put a descent amount in two different bowls. He was about to place them on the table but figured they should just eat in the bedroom. Sam seemed to lack much energy lately anyway. Going down the darkish hallway he could see the steam radiate off of the noddles and cheese. He was real hungry because of not eating breakfast. Somewhere down deep in Sam, he was probably starving too. Literally. When Dean walked in, he could see Sam was in the same position he had been in when Dean first left. Although the kid was still awake and blinking up at Dean.

" Here," Dean passed off one of the he bowls while scooting Sam over and sitting on the bed.

Sam looked down at the bowl full of cheesy noodles. He felt so nauseous. He felt like he had just gotten over the flu and someone was trying to force him to eat a whole buffet. He knew that wasn't the case though.

Sam stared at the food. It was a large amount, much larger than he has eaten in weeks. How was he supposed to burn this off? He couldn't, not when he was this weak. Therefore, he shouldn't even attempt to eat it. This fattening nasty grossness.

Dean could see the hesitation.

" Please Sammy. Just eat some of it?"

" Yeah. Um, I guess,"

Sam took a hesitant fork full and looked at the steaming food. It had been so long since he tasted the food. All he ever tasted was dirt and chalk. He put the fork in his mouth and chewed. He chewed for probably 2 minutes straight.

Dean watched, getting sort of impatient. But he tried his best to not stare and make Sam anymore uncomfortable.

Sam took another bite, letting the weight of the food sit in his stomach. It was nearly revolting. Just the feeling of food made him want to get rid of it. His stomach has shrunk from its size. The lack of eating got rid of the need for such a big stomach. And to be honest he was already full. Just enough food to get rid of the hunger pains is all he needs. It's all his body ever craved. Sam looked at the bowl with disgust. He couldn't eat anymore. His mouth watered, feeling puke rise in his throat.

" Sam, you barely took two bites, eat more," Dean urged.

Sam just shook his head and put the bowl down on the bed. It wasn't the fact that he wouldn't let himself eat, just that his body didn't want or need it anymore. His body had no need for such things. He wanted to eat. He wanted Dean to feel better, but his stomach wouldn't stop trying to get rid of the food.

" Sammy,"

" Dean, I can't," Sam wined.

" Yes. Yes you can!" Dean said it a louder, less angry tone.

" De," Sam's puppy eyes almost got him, but he knew better.

" No Sam. You need food, you need to eat," Dean said while putting another fork full of food in his mouth. He made it look so easy.

Sam sighed shakily and filled his fork back up with the macaroni. He put it up to his lips but couldn't open his mouth. It's like when you are a kid and you've eaten 6 slices of cucumber already and you can't eat more. You just can't. The taste makes you want to cringe and your mind says no.

" Sam C'mon man. Just a few more bites."

Unclenching his teeth, Sam opened his mouth and started to chew. He ignored the pang in his stomach and rise of bile in his throat.

It wasn't until he gagged that he really knew it was making him sick.

Sam put his hand over his mouth, trying to prevent and puke from even trying to escape.

" Sam. You okay?" Dean asked getting worried.

Sam didn't answer. He focused on not puking all over his bed. He squeezed his watering eyes shut.

Sam started to breathe on long deep breaths.

" Woah Sam. You're okay," Dean soothes while rubbing his brother's back.

" You'll be fine, just ride it out,"

That's what the problem here is though. What if he couldn't ride it out? His stomach was so used to being empty that the weight of the food was making him throw up. The little amount of food he had injested came back up and rested in his mouth. He no longer had the really intense urge to puke though. Instead it was all in his mouth. He couldn't help a disgusted face. The taste of stomach acid was too much. It was burning his throat and mouth.

" You okay?"

Sam wrinkled his nose but nodded and proceeded to get up off the bed and walk out of the room.

" Sam where are you going?"

When the kid didn't answer he decided to follow. Sam went straight for the bathroom with a knowing stride. When Sam walked in he lifted the toilet seat and spit out the gunk in his mouth. Dean winced and came up behind Sam.

" You alright?" He asked, already knowing that Sam was not alright.

" Yeah yeah. I'm fine." Sam said to not only try and convince Dean but himself. He couldn't even eat if he tried now. What the hell is wrong with him? Why was he so stupid?

" Maybe later we can try something not so heavy? Like soup or something." Dean suggested.

" Sure." Was all Sam said.

TBC


	6. 6

** Just to let you guys know, this story won't have the overly happy ending. Because In these situations, recovery can take years and reoccur many times. But I won't leave the story off bad. Sam just won't wake up one day and go to a buffet and have the best day of his life. It will be cheesy though... I guess XD.**

**Mbavrocks12: Yeah, I will have Dean and John go at it. Maybe add some Sam too. I'm just waiting until I get a bigger bond with Sam and Dean so they have concrete against John. Plus I'm not good at writing fighting scenes, so I've been basically putting it off. But trust me, it will happend! And as always, thanks for reviewing!**

**Ruby: I have felt and experienced some of these things as well, so thanks for sharing and reviewing! It means a lot when people review and tell me about how they like or relate to my writing!3**

The rest of the afternoon the boys stayed in their bedroom just talking. The conversations ranged from hot chicks to weather or kids should have to have school 5 days a week. Mostly it was Dean ranting and Sam commenting on why he's wrong or right. But by 3:25 Dean had gotten up to make something else to eat despite Sam's lack of desire to do so. He still felt uneasy. If eating was going to make him hurl then why should he do so? Why should he even bother trying when it won't stay down; it won't help him.

Food for Sam was complicated. He knew he wasn't fat, he knew he didn't have anything against food, he knew that he should just eat. But it's more complicated. He still _felt _fat, he _felt _like he'd gain 30 lbs if he ate a piece of cake, he _felt _like food was out to get him. That little voice in your head that tells you to do things is just wirling around. Like you can tell yourself to go do your homework, but that deeper voice yells no. That deeper voice is telling him to stop eating because no one will love him. He is too fat. But his rational mind is telling him he needs it, and he is going to become underweight if he doesn't. His dad will call him an attention seeker. When in reality, this was his fault to begin with. The overwhelming urge to just fit in takes over. He ignores the rational thoughts because it's easier than owning up to them.

Sam can't help that when he sees food now he can already estimate how many calories is it and how long of running or doing push ups will burn it off. He had the need to burn everything off. But why? Why can't he be the way he was? Sam knows now. He knows that no matter how much treatment he gets or help from his brother, this feeling will never fully go away. He will still remember the thrill when he skipped a meal and no longer cared. Because he is so good. He doesn't need rotten smelling nasty food to make him feel good. When he sees fat people in public, that's how he sees himself. That one guy that will cry if he doesn't get his 6th meal of the day or the last snickers bar from the store.

Before he could get too much farther in though Dean walking in with four bowls full of something.

Sam gave him a cocked look.

" What?" Dean asked stupidly already know what Sam would ask.

" Why so many bowls?"

" Well, I have several types of food here so you can choose. I have yogurt, brothy soup, a salad, and some straw berries with mango."

" Okay," Sam smiled awkwardly and slowly.

" Sam, I'm trying here. Maybe a little bit of different flavors will help? I don't know."

" It doesn't matter Dean. They all taste the same, everything taste the same now."

Dean couldn't help the confused look, but he made sure to point it down.

" Well here, take a bite of this," Dean said while grabbing the spoon from the yogurt and filled it halfway up. He lifted it up and put it to Sam's lips.

The kid didn't even open his mouth.

" What, you want me to use airplane noises like I used to?" Dean asked with a cocky laugh.

This made Sam smile. Dean hasn't seen him smile in a while. At least a smile that really meant something. Sam would try and smile to not appear off, which usually came out as a grimace.

" No you idiot." Same scowled and opened his mouth hesitantly. While in his mind, he was asking himself how long he had to walk around the house to burn this. Maybe sit ups?

" How does it taste?"

" Fine. Same as usual." Sam said with no real tone.

" Okay, now," Dean said while grabbing a spoon from the broth and bringing it to Sam's mouth," Try this one."

Sam again partly opened his mouth. God! Dean had no idea how hard he was cringing inside to just do this simple task. He would never know. The guy could eat 3 cheeseburgers and barely make a dent in his appetite.

The spoon came into his mouth and he took in the broth.

" Okay, and how does it taste?" Dean asked hopeful.

" The same."

" The same? Like same as the yogurt?"

" Yeah I guess? I don't know." Sam shrugged.

" Well, was the yogurt sour, sweet, bitter? What?"

" It was sweet," Sam sighed.

" And the broth?" Dean asked with an overly questionable look.

" It was more salty, thinner?"

" See, you do taste a difference!" Dean exclaimed. His brother was so confusing. It wasn't his fault he couldn't understand what the hell the kid was feeling.

" I guess, it's just dull. I think maybe I can taste the difference, my mind just doesn't see it as different. It all means the same to me. Yogurt has no difference from broth or fruit. It's still food and that's all I can see. It's still food! I'm not like you Dean. Food doesn't make me happy. It's what keeps me alive by chance. It's just too complicated to explain fully Dean."

Dean sat there thinking for a minute. What was he supposed to say to that? How should he make Sam understand that no one thinks he is fat, but what about Sam? Does Sam think Sam is fat? Maybe that's it?!

" Sam. I don't fully know your motives for doing this. I know dad said some things and that wrecked your self image of yourself. You feel like you are fat, but Sam. I can see your ribs. A bear wouldn't bother try and eat you! You are skinny, very skinny, too skinny. People wouldn't see you as fat, they'd see a boy that was malnourished and in need of food. You said it was too complicated, then let me try and simplify this to you. Food is merely used to keep you alive, you have it in your mouth and you move your jaw to crush it up. After crushing it up to use your throat muscles to bring it to your stomach where them in goes into your intestines and soon out of you. What comes in goes out Sam."

Sam rised his eyebrow.

" Wow, since when did you know so much about the digestive track?" Sam asked while playfully making fun of Dean. He smiled. Truly smiled.

" Shut it," Dean growled.

" I know Dean, but to me all I can see is the caleries. I can only see how much fatter it will make me." Sam wined. His smile disappeared.

" No you're not! You're not fat Sam. I love you so much, and this scares me. It scares me that you won't eat and that you are scared that you are fat. You aren't. I love you so much that I can't lose you. If you die, trust me I won't be far behind you," Dean explained in a deep voice. A voice that hinted higher authority.

Sam was shocked. Dean would kill himself if he died? But why? He was nothing, a nobody.

" I'm sorry," Sam looked down in shame. He was why Dean was sad and why he didn't get much sleep at night. Why he didn't feel the same or act the same.

" Don't be Sammy," Dean smiled lightly at his brother. The same kid that used to laugh at everything and be goofy. He missed that Sam.

" But please try to eat. And not for me, for you. Eat because you need it and you should want it,"

Sam nodded and picked up the fork for the salad.

" And you better not eat only salad, try some fruit. Maybe eat some yogurt?"

Sam nodded. This was just overwhelming. He severely didn't want it, not at all. But maybe, just maybe if he forced himself to eat, he could get used to it again. Just maybe. Sam took a small bite of the lettuse, not letting anymore ranch get on it. He chewed slowly and carefully, almost like it pained him to do so. He just wanted to cry and let it all go. To just sleep and not have to worry about feeding his fattening cells. Pushing the thoughts away, he took another bite. He was feeling sick. Like his body was clenching itself, just wanting to get rid of this abomination.

He stared at the bowl full of food. There was no way he could eat all of this. He just hoped Dean wouldn't push him too far. He felt like he was on a balance beam that stretched over a bottomless pit. Miles wide and miles long. One strong wind would knock him over and spill out everything. He just wanted the day to relax. Which he has had a fine day anyway. A little stressful at times, but fine.

Sam was shocked when Dean took a fork from off the stand and took some of the lettuse and peppers. Dean looked at it, most likely building up the courage to eat it. Sam was speechless when Dean put the greens into his mouth. Although Sam caught the disgusted look and grimace, Dean managed to eat it.

" Hey, close your mouth there bub." Dean scowled.

" W-wha? Since when do you eat healthy?"

" Since I want you to eat. I'm willing to kill my normal eating habits to try and make you eat," Dean said disgusted with himself.

Now this didn't fix anything, it just gave him more courage to try. Just try a little. Little by little. It'd help.

Sam sighed and took a piece of strawberry. There were cut in forths. Sam ate one, tasteing the sour side. He had almost forgot how much he loved straw berries. Almost like he forgot about everything, Sam started to eat more and more. It was still little amounts, but it was something.

Sam ate five more small pieces of strawberries, not even realizing it. It's like his body knew it was starving, so it just took control. Sam's mind still paced itself, knowing that if he ate too much or too fast his stomach will revolt.

It wasn't until Sam had eaten 10 spoonfuls of soup, 6 small slices of strawberry, 3 spoonfuls of yogurt, and 4 fork fulls of salad until he realized how much he ate. He felt so sick. He was going to puke. Although this was actually a very small amount, it was a lot to him. A huge amount. He felt like an over stuffed pig. His tiny stomach felt full. It felt like he had just eaten a whole buffet. Sam covered his mouth with his hand trying to hold back the puke.

" Sam? You okay?"

Sam tried to nod, but he didn't want to move more than he had to.

" You won't puke Sam. This is mostly mental,"

_No it's not!!_

" Just try Sam. You have to want it."

_I don't want it! I hate it! I shouldn't be allowed to have it!_

" Listen to me Sam," Dean said while taking both of Sam's hands in his, leaving Sam's mouth free." You won't puke. I won't let you because you need this. I can't lose you to food, alright? I can't lose you because I'd lose myself. I can't lose you because without you everything I've been raised to know, to love, would be gone. I can't have you gone because of this. No one hates you, no one says your fat, no one thinks you're overweight. The only one that thinks that is you! You have to break that! You aren't fat, you are perfect. You will always be perfect in my eyes. Nothing is wrong with you. Dad was drunk when he said those things. I could smell it. He left his flask in the car, when I picked it up to bring it inside it was nearly empty. He never lets that thing go empty. He wasn't really there Sammy. It was his floating brain talking. You're perfect Sam! There is nothing wrong with you!"

Sam nodded and leaned against Dean until he no longer felt the urge to spew all over the place. It was so hard though. He was swallowing for such a long time that he had so spit left. And to be honest, the only reason he no longer felt too sick was because it was staring to digest in his intestines! But, at least he didn't spew. He could tell Dean was so thankful. He hadn't really thought about how this was effecting Dean. Dean was scared, truly scared. He didn't know what to do, and, neither did Sam. It was so strange to think about. Just this morning, Dean found out the true reason for his weight loss. Why he was acting weird.

After a while, Dean got up.

" Come with me," Dean said while leaving the room.

Sam didn't know why. What was Dean doing? Sam couldn't help but feel nervous, but he trusted Dean. He got up from the bed and walked down the hall, following Dean to the bathroom.

_Oh god!_

"Sam, can you please step on the scale?" Dean ordered more than asked. But his voice was still soft, caring.

" N-no." Was Sam's response.

" Why? Don't you trust me?" Dean asked, almost offended.

" Yeah, but. I just, I don't want you to be mad," Sam's whispered getting more and more upset.

" Sammy, I won't be mad." Dean smiled. He rubbed Sam's arms with encouragement.

Sam made a daring move and stepped on the scale. He waited for Dean to correctly measure out Sam's weight. He started out at 140, knowing for a fact that it wasn't his true weight. But when he dropped the weight to 120, and it was still too heavy, he was surprised. Scared. He kept going, 115, nope. How much farther would it be? Dean made it to 110 where it was mostly balanced, more like 109 though. Dean wanted to cry. He didn't know it was this bad. He covered his face with his hand for a few seconds and sighed.

" See, I told you you'd be mad," Sam said in a voice that resembled one from when he was a toddler.

" No no, Sam. I not mad. I'm just scared."

That's when they heard the rustling from behind the front door. Now Dean wouldn't be the only scared one. Their dad was home.

TBC


	7. Final?

**Here's another chapter!! Hope you guys like it. Again, there might be some foul language and mentions of eating disorders and what not.**

**Guest: Ik the cliffhanger was great XD**

**Ruby: Thanks so much! You're gonna see how he reacts.**

**Kandilyn: Yes, Dean is pretty awesome. And soon you'll see John too.**

**Guest: I got emotional too. Here you go, I hope you read this!!**

Sam's stomach dropped. He was home, his dad was home. What was Dean going to say? Do?

" Dean, you can't say _anything_!" Sam whispered loudly.

" Sam," Dean sighed, not even in the mood to argue,"This is important, and quite frankly, bigger than me, than you."

" But Dea-"

" Sam! If I was to do this right I'd take your ass to the hospital! You're killing your self even if you can't see it. I can, and dad will." Dean tried to convince him.

Tears instantly made their way to Sam's face with defeat. He knew he lost this battle. It was only a matter of time until the yelling started, and he didn't want to hear it. He was just too tired to be up in the middle of a full on war between his brother, him, and his father.

" Sammy, it's okay," Dean said a little softer. He rubbed a tear off the kid's face. Sam's blue-green eyes sparkled with tears.

" It will be okay," He pulled his brother into a hug. He took the moment to embrace this rare event that was becoming scarce. A moment when he needed a hug with his little brother. Even if it was bony and a little uncomfortable, it was reassuring.

" Dean?" He could hear his father say from the livingroom calmly.

" Yep, I'm here," he said while letting go of Sam to step out of the bathroom.

Letting the cold surround him once again, Sam stood alone in the bathroom. He felt so, so cold. Would his dad care? Would he give a damn that his son was withering away to nothing? Would he be disappointed?

Sam started to breath heavier after anxiety started to swarm over his mind and body. Adrenaline from the anticipated fight ahead made his knees feel week and shake; his whole body felt like jello.

Dean walked out to see his dad hanging his coat up. John seemed calm, tired, but calm enough to maybe reason. Most important of all, he was sober.

" Dad?" Dean asked smugly, but not intailing it quite yet.

" Yeah Dean?" He asked still roaming around the room taking care of his belongings.

" Have you noticed anything off with Sam lately?"

" Um, I don't know Dean. I haven't been around for a while. These hunts are taking up a lot of my time. Why? Does he seem off?" John asked, his brow a little creased. Maybe not enough?

" Well maybe if you _were _here and you didn't hunt so much you would," Dean growled angrily.

Sensing the attitude John turned around quick and his whole expression changed.

" Excuse me?"

Dean didn't back down," You know. If you were here."

" Dean, you know all too well that what we do is important." John challenged.

" You know what else is important? Your sons! Sam!"

" Dean stop being selfish, Sam is fine. He's a teenager, he's going to act off sometimes!"

" Is that what you called him? Selfish?"

Confusion stretched all over Johns face, replacing some of the initial anger.

" Dean I neve-"

" Yes you did! In fact you do every time we move! You called him selfish and a disgrace!"

" What!? I never-" John still resisted.

Dean was fuming. Of course John wouldn't admit it. God knows. John Winchester was never wrong!

" You were drunk dad! And now you ruined him, you ruined Sam, you ruined my little brother!" Dean sobbed. He sobbed so hard that it hurt. That he couldn't breathe because his breath would hitch.

John stared at his crying son in disbelief. His heart ached intensely.

He was confused, at least until it came flooding back. He told his son, his baby, that he was a disgrace, a disappointment, embarrassed, lazy, pathetic, and weak.

John could feel his throat tighten.

" I-I'm sorry. I was drunk Dean. I wouldn't say any of those things. You know I love him. I just wanted what was best for him."

" Oh yeah? Was it best that he lose 30 lbs? That he'd stop eating because you called him fat and lazy!?" Dean screamed. Everything went quiet for a moment.

" Dean I don't know what to say..."

" For starters try saying you're sorry,"

" I'm so-"

" Not to me!!! To Sam!" Dean yelled. He rolled his eyes in annoyance. How could his dad be so stupid?

John sighed.

John started toward the hallway. He looked inside the empty bathroom then continued to his sons' bedroom.

Sam had made his way to their room. He collapsed on his bed and managed to cacoon himself in the blankets. He was trying so hard to close himself off from the yelling and the entire world at this point. The constant life of fighting, yelling, anxiety, everything is too much. He is about to explode!

John opened the door and saw the lump in the bed to the right of the room. He couldn't remember the last time he was so nervous to speak to his own son. Maybe it was before he made a huge mistake.

And had Sam really lost 30 lbs? Dean had to be exaggerating. Dean did that a lot when it came to Sam.

" Sam?"

The lump didn't move, but the radiating anxiety already set the mood.

" Sammy?" John moved closer. He hesitantly sat on the bed and put a hand on the bundle of blanket.

" Sam c'mon buddy. Talk to me man. I'm sorry I said those thing to you. I was drunk and obsessed with getting you guys ready. I want to keep you safe and I guess I failed."

John? The big man of the house was admitting he was wrong? That's a first.

" I was just trying to better our chance of finding the demon that killed your mother."

Of course, it always ended with their mother.

" You mean the woman I don't even know?" Sam mumbled from under the covers.

John heard it and couldn't help but get mad. Sam was talking about his mother like he didn't even care. He let it slide this once.

" I know you haven't met her. But you should want to." John sighed, getting ready to spill," You mother was a very beautiful woman Sam. He had blonde hair, amazing blue-hazel eyes. She would bake pies while I went to work, I'd come home to see you in the livingroom crib smiling, Dean eating the pie. And Mary. My Mary would be smiling at me, handing me a plate. She'd give me a kiss and take out dinner. She would get you and feed you, make Dean a plate, forgetting about herself. She cared so much for you and Dean. You may not remember it but she'd take care of you guys til she dropped,"

Sam could hear the quiver in his dad's voice. One thing he couldn't hear was Dean in the hall. He was just outside of the door, sliding down the side the wall. He cried silently for his mom, his brother, his not so normal life. He wanted his mom back. They all did. Silence came over the Winchester boy. Not an awkward silence, just a tense and sad silence.

Sam uncovered his face, long chestnut hair covering it. Tears shone in his own eyes.

" Sam, I'm sorry. I really am. You're not fat buddy. You aren't a disappointment or disgrace. I love you, don't you ever forget that. I know we fight and everything but it's just because you are stubborn like me. You are just like me, too much for your own good sometimes."

" Really?" Came Sam's shaky voice.

" Yeah," John whispered.

Sam looked down and sighed. He closed his heavy eyes and tried to regain some confidence. It had all melted away the moment he heard his dad walk in.

" Come here," John said while opening his arms.

Sam reopened his eyes and cocked his eyebrow.

" C'mon don't leave me hanging here."

Sam smiled a little and untangled his long limbs from the heavy blankets. Sam hesitantly wrapped his skinny arms around his dad's body. The warm, unfarmiliar, but comfortable body.

John hugged him back tightly, shock present on his face. When had Sam lost so much weight? And how had he not noticed? Anger still rested in his mind and fear remained. How could he have done this? He is drunk so much of the time that the loss of his wife becomes so uncontrollable that he can't stop it. He becomes a machine, unaware of the things that actually matter.

John took ahold of Sam's arms, surprised that he could wrap his hands all the way around them, and pushed to see his son's face.

This kids eyes were red and tear stained. His cheeks were sunken in, black smudged under the eyes. Sam's jaw line was so sharp it could cut paper.

" Oh Sammy," John went back into the hug.

" Dean, come'ere," John said softly.

Dean slowly got up from his spot on the ground and walked over to his father. He was scared of the reaction to come. His dad was unpredictable. It was scary.

One thing he didn't expect was his father to roughly pull him into the bone-crushing hug.

The boys. They were all together. Mary's loves were together and embracing their love, something that didn't happen all that often. This moment was cherished. Something Sam, Dean, and their dad would look back on. A moment when family realized that they wouldn't all be there forever. Shit happens and there was nothing they could do about it. They didn't know if the tears came from helplessness or regret. Either way it hurt. Things were going to change. No matter how long it took to fix, they would get there.

**Please review!!! I'm not sure if this should be the end or not, but I think it'd fit either way. I felt like getting a little emotional, but I held together. The sad reality is that this happens all the time and it's something you need to watch for. Just don't let the people you love slip under.3**


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